| It's been a long boring day but I've been incredibly productive on bullshit projects that don't do anything but give me personal satisfaction. I enjoy working on creative projects involving design and coding. It's something I've recently begun digging deeper into and becoming more passionate about. I find myself browsing random sites for obscure links to underground sites that provide awesome services you'd never expect. I'll post a list to some of them at the bottom. |
| I was experiencing some weird sensations in my heart a little bit ago. I have an irregular heartbeat that is out of sync. I know, I know, it's super serious and it's gonna give me a heart attack. Trust me, I have panicky, intrusie thoughts on my death constantly. But what am I supposed to do? I'm honestly terrified. But I guess it is what it is, there's nothing much I can do about it.
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| I'm gonna build myself a brand new cyber identity, one that is completely detached from my personal identity. This persona, Foxxii Mae, is the real me online, the one who expresses himself opnely and worry-free of any judgment that may be cast his way. After all, why should I give af if you don't like me or the way I live my life? Your thousands of miles away and will never affect my life in any way. And if you do like me? That's fucking awesome, and I'm down to chat with cool people. If you'd like to email me you can do so at foxxiimae@proton.me. Just be cool and no narcs.
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| I need a good group of nefarious online friends that are into the same type of shit I am. I understand that the nature of this lifestyle creates an air of secrecy and shame, but for fuck's sake I can't be the only junkie geek that likes to do shit like this. I just wanna have a few friends who I can relate to, not just on the whole getting high thing, that's secondary honestly, but just a few friends who are into spirituality, psychology, design, coding, occultism, and whatever other obscure hobbies you may have. Idfk, I guess I'm just feeling lonely and isolated these days. I don't have much of a social life, and the social life I do have is dominated by scumbag tweakers only interested in one thing. Like sure, I like to get fucked up, of course, but it's not all I'm about. I use this shit to give me energy and drive and inspiration to work on creative projects and get shit done. But the average tweaker is a lowlife, mentally unstable scumbag only interested in getting more fucking ice. It's maddening. Like for fuck's sake get a god damn personality.
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| I'm currently working on a few iOS shortcut scripts to automatically generate sigil codes in a bunch of different formats. I've made one to create a QR code, and I'm working on one to create a sigil mantra ala the method Peter Carroll describes in Liber Null. It's a tedious, monotonous process that I thoroughly enjoy. Once I perfect them I'll be sure to post them.
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| That's all for this post. If anyone ever reads any of this (unlikely), I hope you enjoy my schizo junkie self.
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| Today has been a decent day in spite of the fact I used last night. I shot about 3 points, first 2 then 1, around 8pm and 11pm. I was hanging out at a "friend's" house with an actual friend who is my main supplier atm. He has been a good friend of mine for years, but he just recently got back into the drug scene real heavy, and has dived off the deep end very quickly. In a matter of weeks he went from barely using anything for almost a year and working extremely hard at a legitimate job down to selling a variety of highly illegal and highly dangerous drugs as well as using them himself. To his credit, he is not the thrill seeker I tend to be, favoring small, functional doses over the overwhelming rush of euphoria I used to enjoy from a large dose. |
| It's difficult for me having such a close friend be so deeply involved in the scene. It makes it that much harder not to use when I can get it from a trusted source for a great price at a moment's notice. Worst of all, he fronts me bags ahead of time, meaning I am spending my money before I even get it, and am finding myself stuck in a cycle of debt. |
| Now, the average person reading this would come to the conclusion this person isn't a friend at all. If he's willing to sell me a drug that's causing me so many problems and even giving it to me on credit, he is pretty much putting profit before me. That is not a good friend, but rather a greedy scumbag. But such is the nature of addicts we tend to overlook the many toxic qualities of our peers. I especially am prone to this when it comes to a friend I have had a deep connection to for years beyond our mutual use of drugs, and this person really is a good friend of mine who I know very well and vice versa. |
| But that doesn't excuse him from his behavior, which while he's in active addiction tends to be a driven, profit-hungry behavior that feeds on more, more, more. He is an excellent businessman, and does what he does well. But this is not a good thing for me, when I have access to the drug I crave more than anything in the world yet so desperately wish to banish from my life entirely it makes cessation next to impossible. How am I supposed to quit getting high when one my best friends is fucking selling it? |
| I could block him. Pay him all the money I owe, give him a fond farewell, and tell him I need to focus on getting better and he is blocking me from that goal. He isn't doing it on purpose. In fact, in his mind, he is actually helping me because he is giving me what I want at a good price and high quality. In his mind, he's doing me a favor and just happens to be profiting off it as well. This is, obviously, not actually helpful but rather enabling with taking advantage of a friend put on top.
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| Pretty much every relationship between addicts is toxic, even if the two are closer than yin and yang, milk and cookies, Ren and Stimpy. In fact, the unique and traumatizing experiences addicts tend to share with each other can be bonding. It's called trauma bonding, and it's normally viewed as unhealthy. But when you're an addict you don't have many people who can relate to your experience and it is within our nature to seek out peers who understand us, which obviously leads to us forming our own cliques and social cirles on the underbelly of society, out of sight from the general population but operating stealthily in the shadows, afraid of the judgmental looks the average person throws our way in contempt. Being socially ostracized by mainstream society is a lonely, soul crushing experience, and it makes you question your self-worth on the deepest level. The only way to work your way back into acceptable society is to find longterm recovery, renounce your sinful wicked past, and conform the rules and values of an oppressive society that demands everyone be the same type of unique. |
| I live in a very rural town with more cows than people. I can walk across the entire town in about 30-40 minutes. On my way I'll probably see 1 or 2 people I know, more than likely on the shallow level of waving to each other when they drive by but never anything more. I will probably not see a single cop. I have no risk of getting mugged or harmed in any way. Gods, if something like that were to happen the little old town of Bumblefuck everyone would lose their minds and there'd be a manhunt to catch the perp. Overall, I like where I live due to the fact its small and safe. I've lived here my entire life, and have grown to love Bumblefuck in a way I couldn't growing up. I used to hate it when I was in school, a misfit queer kid in a tiny rural high school I never felt like I truly belonged amongst my peers. Well, aside from my Best Friend, who I love more than I love just about anyone, and who was there for me all throughout high school and beyond no matter what. Even as I slipped into the grips of this illness, she never turned her back on me. We grew distant, as all friends do after school, but she always has a talk with me if we see each other out, and she texts me on every holiday and my birthday. She's the best friend a person could ask for, and I'm blessed for the opportunity to have her in my life in any capacity. |
| That's enough rambling for now. I'm sure nobody will ever read this regardless, so really I'm just venting my thoughts into the Void as a way of coping with the depression that comes with regular meth use. |
| xoxo |
| --Foxxii |